{ MATURE ZONE } Marriage Jokes....

1.   A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" 

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly." 

2.   One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot." 

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. 

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. 

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. 

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." 

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father." 

3. An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts. His wife is disgusted and screams at him, "Don't fart!!!" 

Husband says, "Shut your mouth." A few minutes later he farts again, she screams "Please stop farting!!!" Again he says, "Just shut your mouth." She is really pissed off and finally she asks him, "How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth???" 

"Well" says the husband, "I didn't want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks." 

4.  A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. 

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" 

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. 

"What happened?" inquired the pastor. 

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." 

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. 

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either." 

5. A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." 

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. 

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"